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I just asked Daddy if he was OK with me writing about this utter debasement of our beloved child, and he said "of course.Hello really not sure how to handle this at all, my son has had an infection and really bad swelling in his penis for nearly two weeks, had to go to a&e because of it and doctors, ended up back there yesterday because he's now got thrush caused by the antibiotics last night after his bath and him applying the cream I went back into his bedroom to check on him and walked right in on him masturbating I was shocked and he cried and thought I was going to shout at him, I asked him how long he's being doing it and he said two weeks, me in shock said its no wonder your willy is sore at the moment which I now know wasn't the right thing to say to him. I endeavor not to use the phrase 'meta' recklessly, but I do indeed think this would be meta-pimping. Daddy points out that I'm pimping Frank right now by writing about pimping him.When it's actually Mom with the bladder control problem. "My son is just potty training, would you mind.", giving the impression that Frank is about to let loose in spastic projectile fashion any second. I pimp Frank out to cut the bathroom line."Oh yeah, Frank loves this weird song, "How Much I Feel", I don't even know where he heard it!" The playlist includes "Strike it Up", by Blackbox from the late 80's, and, even worse, Ambrosia. I pimp him out to listen to shockingly bad music I secretly love, and we're not talking ironic love either.How can I understand the crisis in Chad when my life-force is sucked out of me by my 'spirited' 3 year old? If anyone gives me grief, I just say "you're not valuing my woman-work." That shuts 'em up quick. I pimp him out as the excuse for being a bit behind on the news.
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But mostly I want to sit with my coffee, and see the ladies that went from gastric bypass to promiscuity and raging alcoholism, and if Frank thinks "Opwah" is his trailblazing black TV auntie, well, so be it. Once I told another mom that I think Oprah is a great role model for Frank (actually true) and lawd knows there are few black people in this monochrome town I live in.
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I also pimped him out by adding his picture here, purely for laughs. For my gay BFF, I taught him to say "I LOVE what you've done with the place!" That's a two-fer of pimping and gay pandering.
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I pimp Frank out as my sassy entertainer monkey.By frequent mention and the actual presence of our son, he appears warm, paternal and nurturing, rather than old, desperate and perverted. He pimps our boy out as a way to flirt with young women, without seeming creepy. Which, as the Clinton bombardiers will quickly recognize, is both objectifying and stereotyping firemen. I use him as the adorable excuse for being there, as in "Frank just isn't going get through the day without a tour of the house." That truthfully should translate to "Momma's not going to get through the damn day without seeing a hunky fireman. I pimp my boy out to go to my sleepy local firehouse.